17 April---Our 27th Anniversary

So yesterday was our 27th Anniversary. It was not a very good day. There is not much of the 'old' Ken that is with him today. Yes, some of his mannerisms, sometimes his voice, and definitely when he is angry.

It was a hard working day with Ken, physically. That can always make it rough. When I look at his picture on one of the posters from the 'Poach for the Coach', I remember him walking over to me from the courts at the club to say hello, when I would be picking up or dropping off the kids to tennis camp. One of the reasons I married Ken was for his legs, his fabulous legs. haha To see his legs now will make anyone cry.

So the tears just drip down like a waterfall with just one look or remembrance of his quiet, solid ways. This is not much of a quality life for anyone.

But we plug away. That is when I look at the good, even though it is so very hard to find some days. He is alive. He is moving all parts of his body, seeing, talking, hearing, thinking. He moves so much that he has no bed sores. That is a very good thing. He had hematuria for 70 days, and now has been without it for about 37. That is a very good thing.For about the last 3 weeks he takes an iron supplement every other day. His bowels are working better all the time, and he is rectifying his second cold. Doesn't sound like someone leaving this earth yet, does it?

We had take out for our anniversary dinner. A gift from a friend. Then we had Dulce de Leche ice cream for dessert. He never says 'No' to ice cream. He is practically surviving on shakes, yogurt, some rice pudding, and a few morsels here and there of 'other' food. Also the occasional chocolate and the ice cream with whipped cream. We give him anything he will take. It is so very hard to get food into him, although he most definitely has been eating and drinking more lately. He can chug the ice water, and be very pleased with such. He also pronounces his great satisfaction for the shakes. This is a good thing.

And last night we watched 10, the movie.There was a face of a pretty girl in one of the shots and he most definitely raised his eyebrows in satisfaction over her looks, and with a smile. We haven't seen anything like that ever. As himself, before this all happened, he hardly ever did do such a thing. If he noticed, he usually kept it to himself. So this was a funny thing to see. His 'guttural' part of his brain is much more pronounced since the stroke.

So today is a much more quiet day. The kids' fighting has quieted down- hallelujah! They are kinder today. That makes the day easier- much easier.

My 96 year old Aunt Betty says that it is good to be able to vent with others close to you in your home. She said that now she has no-one to vent with....meaning, she wishes that she had. Think of it, not having anyone to fight with or to vent with when your frustrations mount up. Not that we should be fighting or venting all the time or with or on anyone constantly, but it is this letting off of steam that can help us to survive. Because we are after all, humans. I personally like less venting, but I have had my share of doing so, right up there with anyone else.

I hope you have a little venting, when you need it. I hope you smile at the good things in life, even when there may not seem like much to be smiling about in your day. And I hope that the day after a bad day, you have a quiet good one, or a laughing good one- whichever fits the bill.

Thank you for all the Happy Anniversary messages coming into my phone. They bring a smile to my face. And after all of yesterday's tears, a need about a few thousand more smiles to lift up my soul. That's why I force myself to wear one. To unwrinkle the frowns.

He sure does seem to be improving. But, the road seems like such a long, arduous one at times. All in God's plan. That can be more than a bit difficult at times to comprehend. That's when we look toward the hopefulness of a more peaceful future. Gratitude changes your Attitude.

I miss my Ken.