photo c.LA-G 2009

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

the little details of life

We spent time talking, we spent time honoring & respecting one another, we worked hard at life, we worked hard for our family. We lost much time to work.Is that the way of the world for everyone?So as life became more hectic & full, life between us,(between our family members) became more about the details, the details of life & living.It's those little details I miss the most.
The not being able to call him after show to tell him how it went,
and what time we'd be home.
The not being able to have him come and help me set up or break down.
The 'not' hearing him come in the front door, because he always closed the front door so silently that I barely knew when he came & went, & would say,"Oh,you're home,Hi!" and give him a kiss.
The goodnight kisses, no matter what, which will no longer be.
Even having him home, but not well, trying like heck to find a piece of him
that was his old self, but accepting the new person developing,
taking whatever we could.
We never gave up. We were exhausted, we felt like we couldn't go on, but we never,ever, ever gave up.
You don't do that when you love someone to the ends of the earth, and they're suffering big time.
You somehow find it within, and keep on going. I just wished sometimes that we weren't so tough, that we didn't tolerate so much, that we didn't always go beyond what
normal people could--- But , then I don't --- I don't not wish it,
because it gave him to us for longer than others had.
I think that is because we were, it seemed, almost indefatigable, even though we didn't want such. In retrospect, I respect BIG TIME what we went through, how we did it, how organic and right the whole process was.
And I am amazed at the strength of my children.
To describe the details would be far too painful, I think, more so for the reader. And truly, unless others witnessed, it is probably incomprehensible to many how time- how this great time of pain and suffering , (and I mean more mental than physical suffering), and utter and irrevocable exhaustion, felt indefinite.
The thought occurred that it could go on for 10 years in this state! The baby steps of recovery & growth in a positive direction seemed to be so long in coming,because of the extremely small size of those baby steps.
To see a vibrant man, involved in his life, in his work---turned NOT into a vegetable, for he was living, breathing, thinking, speaking,eating, drinking, and moving, but to be lost in the complexity of his debilitation of his brain & hence, body, and realizing such, was so very heart wrenching, that it tore at the soul of one watching and involved, tempting utter collapse and disarray, but, holding on by the grace of God....
...on a thread that had been split 1000x's over,yet was still, even so very weak in its 1/1000th the size of the slpit thread, holding on so strong, by the Grace of God, and nothing else.... Nada, Nichevo,zilch, zero.
And so, life preservers were sent in daily, hourly, minute by minute, second by second...
a phone call here, a knock at the door there, an answered prayer from the sweet lady above, a moment of cognizance. These all... held us up.........................
... as if we were so lightweight as the lightest feather,
because, remember, it was a 1000th of a thread, and yet, the load was so very, very, very, very heavy.
The amazing event, the stamina of all involved, was do-able, only by God's embrace.

(...the lady in the tree)..........................................Good night. 7/27/10

PS: Ken would have been 56 on the 29th of July. Happy Birthday Baby.xoxoxoxoxo

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